BUZZ!!!
slasher_05_ken: elowwwwwww
iamsoinluvpare: nag oojt ka na ba?
slasher_05_ken: wla parin
slasher_05_ken:
slasher_05_ken: bait ko noh
slasher_05_ken: danise
slasher_05_ken: can u do a favor
slasher_05_ken: ??
slasher_05_ken: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
iamsoinluvpare: sure thing
slasher_05_ken: meron ka po ba alam na site mapag kukunan poem?
iamsoinluvpare: dami
iamsoinluvpare: naku anu na naman yan ken?
iamsoinluvpare: local na madamdamin punta ka ng www.peyups.com
slasher_05_ken: wla
slasher_05_ken: lang
slasher_05_ken: may gs2 lang ako tingnan
slasher_05_ken: ei angtext ba syo c lyka?
slasher_05_ken: binigay ko no. mo eh
iamsoinluvpare: nope
iamsoinluvpare: sira phone ko eh
iamsoinluvpare: ah
iamsoinluvpare: kaw talaga
iamsoinluvpare: heheh
slasher_05_ken: awww
slasher_05_ken: kaya pla
slasher_05_ken: di ka raw nya makontak eh
iamsoinluvpare: yup
slasher_05_ken: hmmm
slasher_05_ken: poem ba toh danise?
slasher_05_ken: love pomes something like that
slasher_05_ken: hehe
iamsoinluvpare: sa peyups dun ka sa articles tapos punta ka ng literary folio
iamsoinluvpare: yup gaganda nga dyan eh
slasher_05_ken: owki
slasher_05_ken: hehe
slasher_05_ken: hanap lang ako mgnda
slasher_05_ken: may pag bbgyn lang po ^_^
iamsoinluvpare: owki
iamsoinluvpare: iba na yan?
iamsoinluvpare: tanung lang ha
slasher_05_ken: ??
slasher_05_ken: iba na yan?
slasher_05_ken: pano iba?
slasher_05_ken: hehe
slasher_05_ken: ah yung dati ko?
slasher_05_ken: wla na
iamsoinluvpare: yup..
slasher_05_ken: naawa na ko sa sarili ko
iamsoinluvpare: ah owki..
slasher_05_ken: sobra na gngwa nya
iamsoinluvpare: yup
slasher_05_ken: kaya ayun
slasher_05_ken: though she ask me if il be given another chance
slasher_05_ken: napaicp nalang po me =c
iamsoinluvpare: awww
iamsoinluvpare: hmmm at least you know now what to do
slasher_05_ken: i just told her the truth that
slasher_05_ken: i cant promise not to do it again
iamsoinluvpare: ah
iamsoinluvpare: good
iamsoinluvpare: you're honest
slasher_05_ken: mahirap mangako kung di rin mggwa diba?
slasher_05_ken: atska
slasher_05_ken: wla nmn magbabago kung mangangako ako eh
slasher_05_ken: ganun parin mggng pakikitungo nya skn
iamsoinluvpare: galeng kent
iamsoinluvpare: saludo ako sayo
slasher_05_ken: kaya it's better to say goodbye
slasher_05_ken: thanks
iamsoinluvpare: naisip ko nga din..
slasher_05_ken: somehow i listened not just on my heart
slasher_05_ken: pati pag iicp ko gumana hehe
iamsoinluvpare: may mga panahon na sinasabi natin.. "let's start again".. but then how and where.. kaya sa mga ganyang sitwasyon it's better to say goodbye na nga
slasher_05_ken: yupz
slasher_05_ken: ^_^
slasher_05_ken: tama yan
slasher_05_ken: though we want to
slasher_05_ken: but the problem is?
slasher_05_ken: would it make a change?
slasher_05_ken: to start all over again?
iamsoinluvpare: yup
slasher_05_ken: sadyang iba ang mundong ginagalawan nya pati pag iicp nya'y iba kung ikukumpara sa'kin
iamsoinluvpare: great
iamsoinluvpare: galeng kent
iamsoinluvpare: if it's not doing you any good, if the heartaches outnumber the heartwarming moments, then the relationship isn't worth keeping
slasher_05_ken: kaya it's better to say goodbye
slasher_05_ken: yupz
slasher_05_ken: ^_^
slasher_05_ken: dami na nagsabi skn ng ganyan hehe
iamsoinluvpare: lalagay ko sa blog ko tong conversation na to!
slasher_05_ken: sabi pa nga skn wag ko na raw saktan sarili ko haha
slasher_05_ken: waaaaaaaaaaaa
slasher_05_ken: O_O
iamsoinluvpare: pero minsan kung saan tayo nasasaktan dun tayo masaya
iamsoinluvpare: pain proves us we're alive
slasher_05_ken: yes, it's true
slasher_05_ken: but it has limitations
slasher_05_ken: but u know wat
slasher_05_ken: pain has bring me something new
slasher_05_ken: to realize something
iamsoinluvpare: good for you
slasher_05_ken: to let go of the past and live for the future
slasher_05_ken: drama noh haha
iamsoinluvpare: hmm live for the present muna
slasher_05_ken: opz
slasher_05_ken: present then for the future
iamsoinluvpare: yan
iamsoinluvpare: hehehe
slasher_05_ken: well present leads to future
slasher_05_ken: hehe
iamsoinluvpare: sana this present brings you happiness in the future
slasher_05_ken: well hope so, thanks
slasher_05_ken: danise
slasher_05_ken: etong mga nsa port folio
slasher_05_ken: meron pa iba?
iamsoinluvpare: hmm yung nasa literary folio po
iamsoinluvpare: hehehe
iamsoinluvpare: ndi port folio
slasher_05_ken: yupz
slasher_05_ken: ay sorry
slasher_05_ken: hehe
iamsoinluvpare: hehehe hanap ka dyan
slasher_05_ken: sa literary folio pla
slasher_05_ken: owki
slasher_05_ken: hmmm may hanap kc ako
slasher_05_ken: something bout a smile
iamsoinluvpare: hihihi
slasher_05_ken: hehe
iamsoinluvpare: isearch mo na lang sa net
slasher_05_ken: kk
iamsoinluvpare: goodluck ha
iamsoinluvpare: hmm ano kaya itatitle ko sa conversation na to?
slasher_05_ken: waaaa
slasher_05_ken: wag na kaya haha
slasher_05_ken: dami makakita nyn
iamsoinluvpare: hihihi]
iamsoinluvpare: la naman nagbabasa ng blog ko eh

---
may mga pag-uusap na kahit gaano ka-iksi may, may mga matutunan kang di mo pwede maliitin. salamat kent! Mabuhay ka!

Nakatanga sya sa hagdanan. Unang tingin ko pa lang sa kanya alam ko ng bagong salta sya. Para kasi syang kakasentensya lang sa kulungan at kakasarado lang ng rehas. Palingon-lingon, tahimik. Syempre ako naman si "always friendly" naamoy ang bango ng bagong bibiktimahin. Medyo cute sya ha. May lima na ngang nagkacrush sa kanya na classmates namin first day of school pa lang yan ha. Syempre di ako pwede patalo. Sabay na kami kumain nung break, kahit na sya lang ang dapat maiwan para maglinis ng classroom hinintay ko na sya ko pauwi. Interview portion na yun pauwi. Ganyan kalakas ang karisma ko. Ako nga ang nag-effort na maging magkaibigan kami.. pero sya yung kumapit nung pabitaw na ko.

HIndi na kami mapaghiwalay nun. Araw-araw magkasabay umuwi, araw-araw nagsusulatan. Halow! araw-araw kami nagkikita pero araw araw ang sulatan!

"Je t'aime" - yan ang closing  namin. May handshake pa kaming ekslusib syempre!"bestfriends" eh!

Dahil sa nagiging obvious na yung "aylabyuhan" namin, napag-usapan namin na gumawa ng code, "onse" o eleven, kasi nga TOL - 3 LETTERS + I LOVE YOU - 8 LETTERS = TOL I LOVE YOU - 11 LETTERS, ONSE, ELEVEN, UHOG.

Nasanay akong nakapalupot sa bewang ko yung mga braso nya. Nasanay ako na sa tuwing first friday mass sa school namin yung magaspang nyang kamay hawak ko. Tapos na "AMA NAMIN" nakakadena pa rin mga palad namin hanggang sa umakyat kami papunta sa room namin. Nasanay akong hinahalikan nya sa noo at pisngi  pag maghihiwalay na kami pauwi. Nasanay akong hinahalikan sya kung kelan ko gusto. Nasanay akong niyayakap sya sa tuwing may pagkakataon. Nasanay akong nakaunan sya sa hita ko pag magkatabi kami at pwede syang humiga. Nasanay akong nakasandal sa balikat nya pag inaantok ako. Nasanay akong panyo nya ang ginagamit na pamunas ng luha ko. Hindi ko makakalimutan nung nag-iyakan kami dahil sumama yung loob nya saken dahil binabalewala ko na daw sya, nung patulo na luha ko hinanda ko na panyo ko, nung tutulo na talaga luha ko kinuha nya yung panyo ko at pinalit yung panyo nya..

"nakalimutan mo na talaga ko. nakalimutan mo na rin na panyo ko yung pinapampunas mo sa luha mo".

Pag pumupunta sila sa court namin para magbasketball madalas akong lumabas ng bahay para paghandaan sila ng malamig na tubig. May pampunas na rin na nakahanda para sa kanya. Sa labas na rin ako ng bahay nakikipagkwentuhan sa kanila. Pero pag paalis na sila.. may isang batas ang dapat masunod..

"dumating ako na nasa loob ka ng bahay, aalis ako ng nasa loob ka ng bahay. Pumasok ka na".

There are 4 places that I must be in right now. Alay Buhay Community Development Foundation (where I'd write everything for their online publication) in Tomas Morato, DZXL-RMN in Guadalupe, KBP in Makati, Quezon City Red Cross in Diliman.  But because I'm into some schizophrenic mode at this precise moment, I end up here, PHILCOA, interenet cafe, with Juris soothing my outraged soul. Wait,"outraged" is a harsh word. I'm just disappointed, and sleepy.

I don't want to go somewhere. I just want to stay here. Here. it fucks me up when I have too much to carry. Responsibilities I don't even understand, task best given to someone else.. these are just spoilers to a deep seated time for myself. I just remember, since when I spent time entirely for myself?

I used to imagine lying on a green field, cold wind whispers on my skin, clouds glaze at me as if i'm the most beautiful thing on earth, birds lulling me to sleep.. I want that now.

No phone. No friends. No "must do's".

SAM SOON: natatakot po ako
MR. KIM: nakakatawa ka naman.BAKIT KA MATATAKOT SA ISANG BAGAY NA HINDI PA NANGYAYARI?

KUYA FRANCIS:  wag mo papakitang takot ka.

ATE SUSAN: wag mo sagutin manloloko yan

ATE LEO: i-assume mo lang na ikaw lang ang nakakaalam ng totoo.

SIR BUDDY: alam mo yung instinct? meron ka ba nun? believe it. its 99.999% true. and that's crazy so makw it a hundred, understand?

..to be  continued

I'm not talking about them because they're the most controversial thing in Pinoy Big Brother to date, not also because the situation they are in seemed so familiar and made pangs of anxiety resurfaced, but because theirs had been a subject that won me the "best debater" award on our mock debate with debater friends. It was just a week ago I started watching PBB. I must admit I'm not much of fan though. It just happens that Budoy was one of the celebrity housemates and he was our university's alumni. so in the name of loyalty and university kinship, I tried my best to like the show. Now back to the Zanjoe-BIanca thing. I knew BIanca as a hmmm.. a witty and intelligent girl. She's someone who must have embodied all there is to be liked and loved by almost anyone. she's not really beautiful but she could catch second glances. what had really drawn her to the crowd is that she seemed to be a fitting role model for the youth- INTELLIGENT, WITTY, BEAUTIFUL, GENEROUS.. etc.

However, seeing  how she flirted with Zanjoe, a Bench hunk dork, regardless of having a boyfriend kinda hmm.. took me aback. I was.. hmm shocked. I don't know her personally really, but she gave me the impression that she's righteous and all that. I must have forgot that she's human. Maybe it's not that she forgot her boyfriend. Maybe being sweet is innate. Maybe... she just fancy having such a hunk falling for her. Maybe.. hmmm.. They say when you started rationalizing it's because you know it's wrong but you want to believe it's not.. Damn.

On the contrary, what made me the best debater was because I made it appear she's cheating, with the help of her actions of course it made my arguments a whole lot easier. I had always thought that when you're in a relationship, no matter how you really like someone, well considering it's all attractions, period, you should stay away from that person so as not to jeopardize your relationship. I have strict paramaters in faithfulness though. I just can't imagine how her boyfriend is reacting when he's seeing his girlfriend entrapped somewhere, fancing herself with someone else. If I'm the boyfriend and I saw it, it would sure be painful but it's bearable, however, if my family saw it, my future partner in life flirting with someone else they would not only feel my pain but they would hate her as well. Slash the fact that she's making a fool out of me to the world. It's insulting and degrading.

I'm not talking about them because they're hit. And stopped talking about them because they had been a subject of our debate earlier.

I talked about them because.. I'm disappointed. Another infidelity fiested in popularity.. so much for a "role model".

blame robert fulghum. my sunday had been in a thrilling, nauseating, but of course deep seated enthralling yesterday. so much to say about my relationship with my babybooboo, now i admit and believe that i am nothing more than a wimp, and the worlds greatest nutcase. if there would be an award for stupid-reckless-selfish-histirionic bitch i would surely bag the award.

so i say this to the world.

my love, i'm sorry. i am too self-centered to even look at wider scope of your devotion, left alone on the simpliest things you had shared. i had always been searching, asking, and demanding for things you have and do not have. because of everything that had happened in the past, i had learned to shell myself from everything that would make me think you're true. i cannot be  fooled twice. the pain were too much to bear i would always say. however, now things changed. i am the one who's giving you pains probably more than i could bear. i had never understood that you're already giving me everything there is.

give it back, i could not.
for fear that once again, i might end up cut, sliced, and skinned. and so i am loving you yet reserving a bit for myself, not that it's bad. it's just that that love for myself had bloated so much infront of me blurring your image and later on blocking you. i had always told myself that i don't care if you love me as long as i love u.

stupid me.
you love me.
to the extremities of your kind heart you do love me.
hell, you just do.

no matter how i slap to your face all the faults pains you gave me though i know you had long gone redeemed yourself, you never got tired proving me that what you are now may have rooted for what you are before, but you managed to changed. changed for me, change for us.

yesterday, when i was burying my face in my hand, i saw us. it all came flashing back to me, scenes from the past flashing too fast for my heartbeat to chase, but too sharp to leave me drowning in my pool of tears.

what sane reason could i ever come up with why are we trying to pull off this relationship we have for almost 3 years now?
you surely have better women around you, they're sexy and pretty, they have everything i know you want, they're there whenever you want to be with them, they sure look up to you with they're glimmering eyes, they are even satisfied to be your friend.. but you had always chosen me. me, their exact contrary.

i had always told you to buy something out of your earnings. "remembrance ng pinaghirapan mo.." you would say "no ma.. ipon ko to para pagdating mo may panggastos tayo..", mush.plain mush. but no.it's for US. FOR ME.

3am, you were rushing one of your assignments, i woke up drenching in sweat from nightmare. i needed you, you turned your back from what you're doing. though it's your time to rest, you stayed with me.you appeased my fear with your loving words,with your way to make me feel better. your words have always make their way to make everything right. yawning and fighting the heavy sack on your eyelids, you stayed. i fell asleep.. when you were consoling me, when you sacrificed those only time you could rest your back. rude me. i brought you nightmares.

how can i overlook that day we went to wildlife, you brought along with you a travelling bag i thought just big enough for the blanket we'd lay upon. i kept on wondering what was the clanking sound all through the walk. you just waited for us to get settled, then opeing your bag again, you pulled out a rectangular glass, there your name.. there you are awarded. it was your plaque, but you said it's mine too. you said it was for me. it was almost 2 years ago now, and many others had followed. every appraisal, every recognition, every compliment YOU garnered had been always for me.. ME.those words may have been nothing but mush months back,but now i know, yes they are for me, for us. because you love me.

you were always proud to hold my hand and hug and kiss me.which in the first place could have despise doing so.we just don't look right people say.i weigh twice as you do, my eyes are thrice as big as yours.we just dont match.. yet you'd portrude your lower lip and shoots me with your "dont-you-love-me-look?".it would be easy to be proud me of me, given that you had always been supportive, but be proud of US in entirely different story. geez.. you just wont care.."eh ano ngaun?!ket kinahihiya mo ko?!" you'd throw at me.. no love.. kinahihiya ko sarili ko sayo..

now, this is not how much i love u.it's how much you love ME, it's how much u love US.

.